Everything ran like clockwork…

I felt in complete control of my life and it may sound too good to be true but I am living my dream. Everything was perfect just the way I planned them to be.

It was the year 2001, I’m a fresh graduate, had my dream job in an international company that pays really well,  my long-time boyfriend and I were planning to tie the knot.. what can I ask for more?? I had everything I ever wanted, I just couldn’t ask for more. But from the moment the pain in my lower body struck and I found myself almost paralyzed, my world began to fall apart.. Everyone thought it was just a fever and it will go away soon enough.. yeah right! Two weeks in the hospital and still the doctors cannot say what was wrong with me and I’m not getting any better, in fact I’m getting worse each day. And while I’m lying in the hospital bed, I felt helpless and I cried to God “what’s happening?” I knew something was really really wrong but I had no idea that from that moment on, my life will forever be changed. Suddenly my perfect world is not so perfect anymore, it all came crumbling down. I had to adopt to a new lifestyle, my life was suddenly turned upside down and my dreams were all shattered. I was crushed and broken into tiny bits of pieces until there was almost nothing left for me.

Lupus had changed my life, in every way possible and I still question God from time to time “Why me? What have I done so wrong to deserve this?” I did not ask for a perfect life.. and why would He give something only to get it back.. I was deeply hurt and there came a time that I was disappointed with God, blaming Him for all the pain I have to endure with this illness. But I soon realized there was no one to blame, everything that’s been happening has a reason and I have no right to be angry with God.

Slowly, I am accepting that this is probably my fate and I have to believe that somehow something good will come out of this. Everyday is a struggle but I take them now as a blessing, I have so much to be thankful for and sometimes we take for granted the simple things in life not realizing that it is essential as the air we breathe. Sometimes when we are faced in a difficult situation we tend to freak out but let us rely on God’s comforting words…

“Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10

I know the clock is ticking and sometimes I feel I am being left out. But who says I’m running?? I am standing still, waiting… waiting!!!

I’m back at work now and although it’s been a very busy week, I am having so much fun. My college friends and I are planning to have a weekend getaway in the nearby beach in Batangas and we will be traveling with my friend’s new jeep. It’s gonna be an exciting roadtrip and my friend’s are loading up the jeep’s with some jeep accessories. I miss this and I am sure to have a lot of fun.

“The only way of catching a train I have ever discovered is to miss the train before..”

A few days ago, I am raving about my life. I somehow became at peace with myself and although most of the times I get so caught up on life’s inevitable rush I just knew that I tend to chase with time…

Everything is just so fast-paced and I am trying to cope up. It is impossible for us to even stand still and have a moment to ourselves. It feels like I’ve been running and racing against time not really knowing what’s in store for ahead.

I like the speed, I hate waiting and I don’t like wasting time. I used to think that I’ve got everything under control and I can manipulate time until the moment I was diagnosed with Lupus and now, maybe something more.. Everything I believed in came crashing down. Suddenly, I have no control of what’s gonna happen and my life was once again put on hold.

Sometimes I feel like life is running me over and I just can’t keep up with the speed anymore. But lately I realize that I don’t need to catch up with the train because no matter what I do I just can’t. It’s like watching a sunset over the railroads and seeing your life on a whole new light. Life is not about how fast you keep moving for we are not in control of our journey, sometimes you just need to sit back, relax a bit and let God direct you. You just need to have more faith.

I simply love the weather the past few days. The cold breeze makes me feel so calm and peaceful. This morning I watched the sunrise and went for a walk around my neighborhood. I just love the morning chill. It’s so quiet and peaceful, and I really had a wonderful time for myself.

I felt like a child again as I play at the swing at the mini park in my subdivision and I tried not to think about anything. I should be feeling sad and miserable, for I have once again failed in love but oddly enough I didn’t find any sorrow in my heart. I am not lonely, I may suffer for a broken heart now and I may be missing him a bit but slowly I am getting used to the fact that he is no longer in my life and I think I am slowly getting over him. I know that everything in our lives has a reason and I may not fully understand why he was brought into my life but I want to think that maybe somehow he made me realize I can still fall in love the way I used to.. and this may not be the love I was hoping for but I am hopeful that the next one will be different, more meaningful and someone I truly deserve.

The walk back home made me realize how I love my life. It maybe complicated at times but generally I live a simple happy and contented life. I know that I am loved by the people I value the most. My family may seem crazy at times but our love for each other knows no boundaries. I am so blessed to have an amazing group of friends that I’ve treasured for years now, you mean so much to me and I thank you for always standing by me no matter what..

I am starting a new chapter in my life soon and I am so excited to find out what’s in store for me, and I’m not letting Lupus get in the way.

Good night everyone! Happy Weekend..

Meet the man in my life… well, not really a man yet but my beloved baby. I just adore my little nephew and every body said that he looks a lot like me when I was his age. I can’t believe he’s now two, I still remember the time when my cousin gave birth to him and when I was still printing his baptism invitations. How time really flies and now, I cannot keep up with him when he starts to run. Soon he’ll be off to school and my little boy will be a boy no more.