I was starting to get depressed. A few weeks ago, I was complaining about the unbearable chest pain that I had and I was diagnosed to have Costochondritis and my rheumatologist gave me something for the pain and advised me to slow things down and take a break from work which I did. I took a leave from work for a couple of days and I refrain from doing any stressful things, so that I can get better. I was hoping that because I took a couple of days off, I’m on my way on getting better but last weekend my headaches had been constant and is becoming intolerable, I was even screaming for pain. Even my pain killers don’t seem to work anymore and last night, I developed a red rash in my forehead and this morning I had blisters. I was terrified, I thought I’m having another major lupus flare and it really scared me.

I went to my dermatologist this afternoon and she told me it was Herpes Zoster and explained to me what it was and she also gave me something for the pain. So I guess, this is where my headaches are coming from. I sort of had a sigh of relief, at least it was not a lupus flare and it was diagnosed early so it can be treated well. Now, I can probably sleep calmly again.

It’s a rough Monday for me. I thought that since I had my well-deserved rest over the weekend I’ll be feeling much better now, I guess I’m wrong. The pain that I’ve been feeling is starting to become unbearable, all week I have this pain in near my chest and I’m trying so hard not to tell anyone because I don’t want them to worry. I’ve been pretending to be fine even when I’m not. I just don’t want to be a burden to anyone again and I don’t want to go through the same experience I had when I had a flare. I just don’t know if I have enough strength to go through all that procedure again. I’m terrified and it’s scaring me. But somehow I can no longer hide the pain and I have to find the courage to face whatever this pain is headed.

Before I got sick with lupus I was a party girl. I love to hang out with my friends and we enjoy bar hopping. I had to admit that I used to drink a lot and I did smoke too. Well, I’m not too proud of it but that’s all in the past now, I am totally a reformed person. But what I love about bar hopping is the freedom that it brings, and not much on drinking for I don’t want to promote it but I do enjoy having a few drinks with my friends in our favorite Bar Stools and sometimes even meeting some new people along the way. We also enjoy dancing and hearing live music. Those days were a lot of fun but it’s all in the past now. I’m glad I got to enjoy my youth even before I got sick because having lupus has a lot of limitations on what you can do and you always have to watch your back in everything you do because a lupus flare may just trigger anytime. When I look back on those days, I can only smile and remember how much fun it was but I’m glad that it’s over.

Sick again!

Yesterday, I had a terrible back ache and muscle pain. I also experienced shortness of breath every time I walk. I was too proud to tell everyone I am not feeling well again so I just told them I’m tired and sleepy. I tried to rest all day and just sleep, hoping that I’ll wake up feeling much better. I secretly took my pain killer because my mom doesn’t want me to be dependent with pain killers but I just need to take them otherwise I’ll be suffering from this pain, and I just couldn’t take it anymore.

This morning, I still feel the ache in my back but I tried to get up and go to work. I don’t want this pain to interfere with my life again. But I just need something to take this pain away and I’m starting to lose appetite again. I’m scared that this is a prelude to another lupus flare. I can only pray that it won’t.

Today was not a good day for me. After having a fine evening last night, I woke up today feeling so weak and my knees were swollen. I wasn’t able to walk today and I had to stay in bed and rest. It’s been raining hard all day and I feel gloomy as ever. I don’t want to rant about lupus again, I know after almost seven years of having this illness, I should have gotten used to it but I’m not, and I’ll probably never will. I need to believe that I will overcome lupus, that my God is greater than any disease and my faith in Him is much stronger than my fears. It’s just another lupus bad day!

*sigh* I’ve been trying to stay away from my laptop and I’m not really in the mood for blogging just yet but sometimes I feel writing is my only friend, this is where I can unleash all the sentiments that I’ve been trying to hide. I don’t really talk about my lupus with my friends and all the frustrations and disappointments it’s causing me because I just know they wouldn’t understand. Why? Because I don’t look sick at all. You take one good look at me and you will find no trace that I am suffering from lupus, I’m not sure if having this invisible disease is an advantage. Of course, I don’t want to look miserable and ugly but I hate always have to explain to people why I can’t do that or why I can’t go there or why it hurts to walk that far. I try to act as normal as I can be, the last thing I need is to look awful and sick but I may try to pretend like I’m not sick but deep inside I feel weak and exhausted. Sometimes I feel like shouting at the top of my lungs and just whack my head off, it might just wake me up from this dream, that maybe I’m not really sick.

It’s way past midnight and I’ve been trying to sleep but for some reasons I’ve been tossing and turning for hours now that I finally give up… sleep ain’t gonna happen to me anytime soon. The past week had been toxic. Since I took a vacation to Bicol last week and my fingers are swelling in pain, I couldn’t get some decent work done for a couple of days, not to mention I’ve been feeling so down and exhausted too. The past days I had to catch up on my work and beat my deadlines, I haven’t had enough time to blog or to visit my blogger friends. Last Wednesday, I finally had my check up I know it’s pretty irresponsible on my part I should have seen my doctor a few weeks back but I keep delaying it. For the sole reason that I’ve been feeling so great lately that I fear that my laboratory results will tell me otherwise and it will bring me back to reality that I am still sick with lupus. The pain from my fingers made me want to see my doctor and somehow find relief to what I am feeling and yes, my laboratory results indicated that lupus is still very much active in my kidneys that it’s making such a huge amount of protein leak, I felt really bad. I guess I was having so much fun and I’m trying to forget being sick by engaging myself with normal activities just to prove to others and to myself that I am well and I am stronger than lupus. I thought just because I feel good about myself automatically healed me from lupus but I guess I’m wrong.

I don’t want to dwell so much on it for it may cause me more depression in the coming days and I’m still feeling so down. I guess, I need to be inspired, I need to find something extraordinary to cheer me up and so far there’s just nothing…

Living with lupus sucks! Well, it does and there’s nothing much I can do about it. I am thankful that somehow I still got my faith and I want to stay optimistic. I am hanging on to God’s promise that He will not give me something I cannot carry and I know when things gets out of hand, I can always turn to God. Now, I am praying to have some good night sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be a happy day.