Is summer over so soon? Earlier tonight the rain poured so hard and I heard from the news that there’s a storm somewhere in the country this weekend and it got me thinking, is summer already over? I know, I’ve been constantly ranting about the heat and how it annoys me knowing that having lupus makes the sun my worst enemy but the thing is I love summer, I’m a beach lover too and I would have enjoyed the sun if I can. I even wish to have a tan during my Boracay summer escapade with my friends but I’m reluctant to soak myself in sun rays even if I have tons of sunblock with me. Well, I think summer is ending soon and I want to go swimming again at least for the last time before the rainy days starts to kick off and everything will be drenched in water again.

I was in the middle of fixing my sidebar when I noticed that today is my first ever post for this month. I find it rather unusual and it’s not that I’m tired of blogging but sometimes I just need to take a moment for myself and I’ve been feeling really low for the past few days, and even my recent trip to Bicol didn’t ease the loneliness I felt. I blame it on lupus, simply because I can’t think of anything to feel bad and I have every reason to be happy but I’m not. I thought by leaving the blogging world for awhile will help me find whatever it is I am searching for but apparently, it did not. So stick with me as I bash out and I’m still in a sad mode.

The past few days have been a torture. I guess lupus has found its way back to me, my fingers sore a lot and I have a hard time typing. The pain in my right arm is also killing me, I blame it to the mouse of my laptop but I guess it’s my body’s way of telling me I need a rest from the cyber world. As much as I want to take the time off from the internet again, I can’t just yet because I still need to finish a lot of work. I haven’t had my regular check for awhile now and I know I need to take that trip to the hospital again and see my rheumatologist but something will always come up that I always postpone it. I know something is wrong with me, I just hope it’s not another lupus flare.

I still got the blues. Despite my relentless effort I still feel so down and lonely. Whenever I feel this way I try my best to think about all the blessings that God is continuously giving me. I know, I really have no excuse to be sad that’s why I blame it on lupus but it got me thinking that maybe there’s a certain unhappiness in me that I’m just trying to ignore or maybe I’m not really happy at all. But I refuse to believe that, I love my life right now, I may not exactly have everything I ever wanted but who does anyway. I’m just hoping that this anxiety or whatever it is that I am feeling will go away in time and I’ll be back to my usual happy mood. The rain poured this afternoon, if it can rain during the summer season then there’s absolute possibility that I can find joy despite the blues.

Yesterday I was weeping, I was so sad over nothing at all and I found myself sobbing, crying with no reason at all. It is one of the things I hate about lupus. I feel like I’m being crazy or something. I know, I’m an emotional person but everything in my life right now is doing just fine except maybe in the arena of romance but I have every reason to be happy, that is why I find it odd to wake up yesterday feeling like somebody I love just died. I felt so alone and I’m not. I can’t really talk about this with my family or friends because I know they just couldn’t understand it. I, myself find it difficult to understand it as well but what can I do. Today, I’m still in a foul mood. I managed to function well at work but everything annoyed me. I’m angry towards something I’m not even sure of… goodness, I’m really going insane. I can only wish that tomorrow would be a better day for me and for every lupie out there.

I’ve got the blues. I hate times like this, I feel like I’m being crazy or something. I’m happy, I have every reason to be happy… everything in my life is going well but then how come I feel so sad and I’m weeping. I can’t stop the tears from falling and I’m so sad. I can’t understand why I’m feeling this way, I know its part of having lupus but I don’t like this feeling. Why do I feel so alone? Someone told me to let the tears fall, to cry my heart out and things will be okay in a while. Am I being crazy? I think I am but then again I am lupie, and that’s my reality.

I’m not at all a beach babe and I definitely don’t have the body to show off at Boracay but what the heck fat or not I enjoyed the beach and I had my share of swimming along the island without my cover-up but I’m too shy to post those pictures here LOL I’m glad that somehow I’m not that fat anymore, would you believe I lost 25lbs in just three months. Should I be worried with the rapid weight loss? Nah, I know I didn’t take anything like lipovox or starved myself to diet I just tried to eat healthy foods and do the exercise I’m allowed to do and slowly I am reaping the fruit of my discipline. I’ve never felt so good as I feel today ever since I got sick with lupus.

Earlier this evening I had dinner with a friend and we exchanged stories and snapshots from our Boracay summer escapade and though I’m glad to be back home, part of me can’t help but wish I could have stayed awhile longer. Boracay is not my favorite place, I even think it’s overrated and too commercialized but still I love it there. Before I got sick with Lupus six years ago, I was a jet-setter traveling from one place at a time and I loved every moment of it. I was an adventurer and I have always been brave to try out new things, a fearless soul who just wants to have fun. I have always been outgoing, my friends often refer to me as a free spirit and I have been living the life I dream of having but then again lupus happened to me and it has changed me and my life, in every way possible.

I’m not really sure what changed me but somehow I am no longer the same person as I used to be. Even when I look at myself at the mirror, it felt like someone new was staring back at me, someone I don’t know. Lupus took away the life I thought I was meant to have. Suddenly, I can no longer travel, among many things and I have been clouded with fear. Suddenly, I became aware of the different phobia I had… Who would have thought I have a fear of heights when I was even part of the mountaineering club in college and had successfully summit three mountain peaks. I never knew I had a fear of drowning, even though I didn’t know how to swim back then I still tried out kayaking, water rafting and snorkeling. I’m not sure if those fears are just psychological or something I had acquired but being struck with lupus made me realize my limitations.

After years of going through a lot of painful medications and the hospital as my only destination, there is nothing much I can do but to live with lupus and rely on God’s mercy that somehow He will completely heal me no matter how science says I can’t be healed. My Boracay trip was something I planned, something I conditioned myself to do and it is something I want to do, to prove that even though I am sick with lupus it cannot control my life. I need to conquer my fear and be able to feel alive again. I’ve been living in a shell, and maybe I’m just being defiant or simply just wanted to feel like I’m still as normal as everyone else despite having lupus. Yes, I got sick after my Boracay trip but what the heck I had fun anyway, and I only have God to thank to.

Since lupus patients are sensitive in the sun and it can cause a flare among lupus patients, summer is a dreadful season for most of us. I used to just stay in my air-conditioned room and only get out when the sun sets. I hate it. Before I was diagnosed with lupus, summer was my favorite part of the year and I always hit the beach and swim. But with lupus, I had to stay away from the sun, the beach and every fun thing I used to do. Maybe I defied lupus a bit when I went into my summer escapade, stubborn as I am I just had to prove that eventhough I have lupus I can still do almost everything I want with precaution of course. And the most essential must-have for lupies is sunblock, make sure you’re protected always and just avoid direct sunlight, and have fun, we all deserve it.

It’s final, I’m all set to Boracay and I just can’t wait.

Before I got sick with lupus I simply love to travel and it was a good thing that I was able to do almost everything I want before lupus take control over my life. I got to travel to some places that I wanted to see but for almost six years since I am battling with this illness I just can’t go whenever and wherever I please. The only time I’m not at home is when I’m confined in the hospital.

Last year, when I started to feel much better I decided to claim my life back from lupus and tried everything I can to do the things that I want for my life and one of them is traveling. Some things may have changed because of the disease but at least now I am learning to live with lupus with grace.

I just got back from church tonight and some old friends were amazed to see me. I’m not sure if amazed was the right word but most of them knew that I am sick and during those “bad times” when I was in and out of the hospital, our church pastor would always ask the congregation to pray for my immediate recovery. I do believe in the power of prayers and I survived everything because a lot of concerned people took time to sincerely pray for my well-being. I have no words to describe the gratitude I feel towards them.

Everyone thought that I am looking good, I am not boasting or anything but since I am losing weight I do feel good and as far as I could remember this is the first time after being diagnosed with lupus (and after several years of taking steroids, undergoing chemo therapy and a lot of medication) that I actually feel good towards myself. I feel fine most of the time but this is the only time that I could say that I really feel great. Physically I know I am not in the best health as I want to be but I love my life right now. I am not sure though if this is where God wants me to be but I sure feel happy and somehow contented.

Lupus is an invisible disease. You can never really tell by merely looking at lupies that they’re sick and I doubt if they’ll ever tell you that they are but even though we feel terrible at times and sick most of the time. We don’t really look like it. Now, do I look sick?

Sharing some photos from my trip to Baguio a few weeks back…

My feet are still swollen. This is another dreadful days I have with lupus and I can’t help but rant about it. There are just so many things that I needed to do but now that I’m having another bad day with lupus I can’t do anything but to stay home. Days like these usually makes me sad, especially when I’m left alone in the house. I feel helpless and I don’t want my loved-ones to worry about me. Is it only wishful thinking that someday they will find a cure for lupus and I can be normal again. I know most of the time I feel normal and everyone will never think that I am sick, but the thing is I want to be normal all the time and lupus flares will just be a thing in the past. Maybe its wishful thinking, any medical person will tell me that a chronic illness can’t be healed but I have a deeper faith and belief that no matter how great this illness maybe I have a greater God who heals and in time I know He will extend His hands on me and completely heal me…

After all the excitement from last night and all those planning and cooking really made me tired. I was in high spirit yesterday and very hyper. It just felt good to do something wonderful for my mother and it’s also great to be able to be united with our old friends from our church after the “falling out” last night was also a restoration and dreams come true. It felt wonderful to be surrounded by people you respect and care so much about, it’s also felt like I am being welcomed again to be in the service of the Lord’s ministry. Am I ready for that? I’m not sure, but I was praying to come back for such a long time and I was just waiting for God’s call again. It was a long and fulfilling day, and this morning I paid for it. Lupus suddenly reminded me that I am not normal and I should take it slowly. My body felt sore and my feet are swelling like crazy, and yes I think I won’t be able to walk for quite a few days and it’s annoying but what choice do I have. Arrghh, the unpredictable disease strikes again!

Before I was diagnosed with Lupus, I first had Vasculitis, an inflammation of the blood vessels and because of that I had difficulty in walking and climbing the stairs. I was stuck in a wheel chair for quite a while and imagine the adversity I went through. My room is located at the second level of our house and there was a time that I couldn’t get downstairs because my feet was swollen, if only we had stair lifts then maybe I wouldn’t be such a burden with anyone at that time. I am glad that I way passed that experience and although sometimes I still feel some aches in my feet and knees, I can still get up, walk and even run.