I honestly can’t remember the last time I posted something about love in this blog, I always post my love thoughts in my other blog Just Let Go but this time I think I’m in the mood for a little love thoughts here…

I miss being in love. It’s been quite awhile and I think I had forgotten how it feels like to care about someone and to be loved as well. I think my heart grew cold and numb after years of isolation and heartaches, I thought I can live without love and I honestly thought I am happy being single, I guess, I’m wrong. I may have been cynical about love, I may project a strong persona but deep inside I am still the hopeless romantic quickmelt who wrote love emotions on tissue paper. The years may have passed and love has passed me by, but the belief that somehow I can still find true love never fades.

Yes, there was a point I gave up waiting, I gave up looking for love but it was when I wasn’t looking that I have found it… I’m not sure where its heading, I cannot even say this is finally it but I guess I’ll let the future worry for itself and I’ll just enjoy this moment..

It is true that we don’t really know what we’ve got until it’s gone, but what we don’t know is what we’ve been missing until it arrives…

“The only thing that cannot be recycled is time wasted.”

I’m thirty years old. I’m single and sick. It feels like time is running me over. I feel like I’m a clock rapidly ticking and I’m running out of time… It’s a scary thought that I may actually spend the rest of my life alone and I can never found the “one”

Quite honestly, I’m not really worried that I am still single. I am enjoying my life and since I am sick, I don’t want to be a burden with anyone. But still, I worry about the future and what if I never find myself in love again. I want to be married someday and although everyone said that I cannot bear a child, I am still hoping that I could have my own child someday.

I’m not really sure what the future holds but my days have been so toxic, I sometimes don’t notice that a day has passed. My life is like a routine and although I love my life, I hate the fact that I don’t feel challenged and there’s no excitement in my life. I must be nuts for thinking this way but I just hear the clock ticking and it’s racing against my thoughts.

I want to start this dreadful month of valentine’s by posting a love poem I wrote a long time ago…

UNLIKELY ANGEL 

I have always been afraid to show my feelings
I am always unsure of what to say
I always thought I’m a lonely loser
Trying hard to hide the pain inside

For so long, I was kept prisoner of a lost love
And after all this time
I’ve kept my distance
No one came close, not until you came

You came to my life, simply unexpected
You were a perfect stranger…
But somehow it felt like knowing you
All my life

Everything happened so fast
I couldn’t help but be afraid
Afraid these are all lies
But I trusted you and erase all doubts in my heart

You’re my unlikely angel
It feels like destiny
For so long I was dreaming
Dreaming of you to come into my life

The angel that’ll take away all the pain
The angel that’ll light up the darkness
The angel that’ll fill all the emptiness
And who’ll love me forever…

Not so long ago, I broke up with someone simply because I had Lupus. I just felt at that time, I was doing him a favor. I don’t want him to take care of me forever, I don’t want to be a burden to him and I don’t want him to suffer with the uncertainty of my illness. My friends disapproved my decision, saying that I was just taking pity on myself, they said I can never find someone like him anymore. But the thing is, I am aware of that I am letting “mr.right” go and I maybe stupid and a fool but that is what I want to do, I just had this feeling that even though he said my health condition won’t be a problem for us I don’t believe him. What if I can’t give him a child? He was an only child and he was already being pressured by his family to have a child and with my sickness, I am not sure if I am capable of bearing a child even how desperately I want to. Maybe my insecurities and fear took the better part of me when I decided to leave him but in truth, I am keeping a painful secret that really made me leave him. I fell out of love with him.

I guess, that’s the magic word “love” because as a hopeless romantic as I am I know I can endure everything when it comes to love but somewhere along the way I had lost that feeling towards him. I was not used in being the heart breaker but this time I caused him so much pain that in just a matter of months he got married with someone else. I sincerely wish him happiness and that is probably our destiny.

It’s Sunday morning and I was so tired last night that I was able to sleep soundly… If you notice I posted a private entry last night, I’m sorry it is so personal that I have to keep it private but I needed to release it out in my system and writing is the only thing to do it… If you’re interested to know what happened to me last night that made my heart crumble, read it here… The event from last night made me realize one thing, love is not the culprit here, I always think of love as somewhat complicated but I think people are to blamed for.

“Love is beautiful, but it is also terrible–terrible in its determination to allow nothing blemished or unworthy to remain in the beloved.”

~ Hannah Hurnard ~

While I was writing this entry, my mind suddenly experience a blogger’s block… I kept reading today’s quote and I just can’t think of anything to write. It’s a bit odd since writing about love is my expertise… Well, maybe because most of my writings about love is how much painful it is or my heartbreaks caused by love. (read more about my blog about love, here) Probably what I know about love is somewhat limited to what I have experience.

I have been heartbroken for quite a number of times and the pain that I felt made me cynical about romantic love. There was even a time that I thought that I can never fall in love again. Maybe a big part of me is still hurting or maybe I was just expecting too much about love.

This quote reminded me how beautiful love is… I seem to have forgotten how wonderful it is to be able to share your love with someone and how beautiful God designed love. But somehow, the beauty of love was tainted because of circumstances we cannot control and slowly love has lost its true meaning… I guess this one best describes what love is all about…