“We leave something incomplete everyday, whether it’s an area of housework, school, work, friendship, ministry ~ because we are finite.”

~ from The Hidden Art of Homemaking by Edith Schaeffer~

Sometimes I feel like my work is never done. And no matter how I stay up late at night to catch up on my deadlines, I still have a lot of things to do in the morning. There are times that I feel like I’m running, as if I’m in a race and I have to be at the finish line but the thing is I’m only competing with myself. I tend to overdo things sometimes and I always like to challenge myself, almost to the point that I want to do it all, all at the same time. When I was still active in the ministry, I was a Sunday school teacher, a Praise and Worship leader, an outreach coordinator, public school ministry teacher, bible study leader, member of the choir, children’s church facilitator among others. I was doing everything all at the same time but at that time I was on fire, my only desire is to serve the Lord and because of that I neglected my duties at work and had forgotten about my social life. I thought I was doing what God wants me to do. I never really thought that being in the ministry will cause me so much stress and despair, slowly I experienced a Christian burn out. I had to leave and redirect my life. At that time I feel so lost, not really knowing what God has in store for me. I was scared that I might choose the wrong path again and I may go astray.

It was a hard fall, a difficult lesson that I still have to learn. I am no super woman, I am “finite” there’s a limit on what I can do and although at times I feel like I can do all things, I can’t. Somehow, I have learned to manage my time and try to have some balance in all aspects of my life. But the everyday burden seems to be piling up all the time and I just need to remind myself from time to time of Matthew 11:30 “my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” And if I feel like what I’m carrying seems heavy, I just seek the Lord’s presence and remind me that I don’t have to do it all. Life is short and it’s not a race. We are bound to some limitations whether we like it or not, and it’s alright God is not asking for perfection He’s merely asking for passion in everything we do, so find time to just sit back, relax and enjoy life…

God bless!

“Don’t blame suffering in the world on the anger of God. He’s not mad; he didn’t mess up. Follow our troubles to their headwaters, and you won’t find any angry or befuddled God. But you will find a sovereign God.
Your pain has a purpose. Your problems, struggles, heartaches, and hassles cooperate toward one end — the glory of God.”

~Max Lucado, It’s Not About Me~

I can’t remember how many times I have blamed God for all the heartaches and the sorrows that came my way. I remembered when I first learned that I have Lupus and my life will forever be changed because of that illness, my first thought was “why me, God” and I pointed out to God if I have been so undeserving, have I been so screwed up in my life that now He is punishing me? Is He angry with me or something? And at the end I found myself blaming God and being angry with Him. For a while, I kept my distance I even came to the point that I stopped praying and I thought, I can do it on my own and I don’t need God. I was a rebel child, I felt God has forsaken me and He don’t love me anymore.

It took awhile before I started to realize who am I kidding, all my life God has been good to me. He had given me everything I wanted and so much more, He has never left my side and He has always helped me when I need Him the most. I know, from the moment that I accepted Jesus in my life as my personal Lord and Savior I did not just take part of His glorious moment but I also have to take part in sharing His pain. Everyday, God is teaching me how to humble myself and accept that my pain has a purpose. My illness taught me so much about life and although I still complain and rant about it especially when the pain is so strong I have learned to embrace it, to live with it with grace… knowing that it was given to me for a reason and although I still don’t have any idea what reason could that be, I only need to trust God and have faith that everything He does is for my own good.

God never stopped loving me, He was not angry with me even though I am undeserving of His goodness, He loves me so much that there is nothing that I can do to make Him love me more and there’s nothing I could have done to make Him love me less. God loves me unconditionally and not everything is about me, there’s a greater good for all our sufferings and struggles we just need to be patient and let God do the work…

God bless all of you and for more of inspirational In Other Words visit On The Horizon.

“Love is beautiful, but it is also terrible–terrible in its determination to allow nothing blemished or unworthy to remain in the beloved.”

~ Hannah Hurnard ~

While I was writing this entry, my mind suddenly experience a blogger’s block… I kept reading today’s quote and I just can’t think of anything to write. It’s a bit odd since writing about love is my expertise… Well, maybe because most of my writings about love is how much painful it is or my heartbreaks caused by love. (read more about my blog about love, here) Probably what I know about love is somewhat limited to what I have experience.

I have been heartbroken for quite a number of times and the pain that I felt made me cynical about romantic love. There was even a time that I thought that I can never fall in love again. Maybe a big part of me is still hurting or maybe I was just expecting too much about love.

This quote reminded me how beautiful love is… I seem to have forgotten how wonderful it is to be able to share your love with someone and how beautiful God designed love. But somehow, the beauty of love was tainted because of circumstances we cannot control and slowly love has lost its true meaning… I guess this one best describes what love is all about…

“In our lives the darkest times, the days that are bleak and black, add depth to every other experience. Like the dark bits of color in a mosaic, they add the contrast and shadows that give beauty to the whole, but they are just a small part of the big picture.”

~ Amy Grant~
Mosaic: Pieces of My Life so Far

After a series of uncertainty and fearing the unknown about my illness, it felt like I’m in the dark and I got scared. I didn’t really know what to feel. The doctors says that I’m gonna have Lupus all my life and it’s a battle that I cannot win. It was a devastating truth that I have to deal with everyday. There are days that my lupus flares are so bad that I just wanna give in and just lie down and wait for death, I actually prayed for it.. I asked God to take my life away, to just end it right there then because I just couldn’t bear another pain. Although I wanted to die at that time, it never crossed my mind to take my own life because I know that will be an unforgivable sin.

When they say that there’s light at the end of the tunnel, I was wondering how far must I stay in the dark… It has been a long and sad journey. Going through an illness that nobody knows about and nobody seems to understand. I don’t look sick, I am in fact radiant and looks like someone full of life but I am dying in grief inside.

I am an optimistic person, my faith in God gives me strength to go on and hope for a better tomorrow. God made my darkest hour, the greatest testimony of my life. I may not have the beautiful snapshot of my life right now but I know that it’s just part of the masterpiece that God has in store for me.

“We women must realize how visual men are, and because of that we should wear modest clothes. Not because we don’t have the right to wear what we want, but for the benefit of the spiritual life of our brothers in Christ.”

~ Heather Arnel Paulsen ~
Emotional Purity: An Affair of the Heart

Our church recently imposed a dress code for all members especially the youth and young adults. Most youth was upset about it and murmured that the elders don’t have the right to tell them what to do and since we’re living in a free country we should have the right to choose whatever clothes we want. I get their tantrums, I myself was a bit guilty of not dressing accordingly and I realize that it’s very wrong. Since the Havaianas explosion I often go to church wearing those slippers and Sunday dresses was a bit corny now that I switch to casual ones. I only wear skirts when I’ll be singing in the choir or presiding at the church service. I had forgotten that although our physical appearance don’t matter to God, how we present ourselves in God’s presence truly matters.

Yes, it’s the modern times gone is the traditional dresses that we used to follow. While having a conversation with my choir mate she told me that we must wear what we want and go against the church policy and if no one follows them they can’t send us all to disciplinary action. I do hate rules and I don’t really like it when someone tells me I can’t do this or that, I guess that’s just my rebellious side but I truly understand where the church leaders are coming from. They don’t intend to go back to the traditional ways, they just want us, the ladies especially to know that we should refrain from going with the world. We are God’s children and we should always be seen as a reflection of God’s holiness. We should respect ourselves and dress in a way that we could gain respect. We should not let anyone fall into sin just because of our provocative way of wearing inappropriate clothes.

Emotional purity is such a difficult subject to teach our younger generation but they should realize that God sees all the impurities in our heart and although He still loves us no matter what, we should be the mirror of God’s purity to others. Physical appearance does matter, whether we like it or not and we should always honor our God even in the way we present ourselves to others.

“We are not built for the mountains and the dawns and aesthetic affinities, those are for moments of inspiration, that is all. We are built for the valley, for the ordinary stuff we are in, and that is where we have to prove our mettle.”

When I was younger, I was often told that I was meant to do great things… of course I didn’t exactly know what was that all about, but I knew that so much was expected from me. Most of my life I have always been an achiever, I was blessed to be able to excel in almost everything I do. Nah, I was not always in the honor roll but I always managed to get high grades without even trying. I’m often the star of every production in school and I was even the captain of our Volleyball team. Nothing seems to be difficult for me. And yes, I know deep within me that I have a bright future ahead of me and I was meant to do great things.

During those times, I feel like I’m above everyone else that I’m better than anyone else. I often vision myself as the high and mighty mountain. I was flying without wings and God loves me so much that He sent an illness called Lupus to bring me back to the ground and humble myself. This is when I realized I’m not that special, that I’m not above anyone else and I am nothing but an ordinary. I am thankful for that revelation because now I know that every time I’ll look up into the mountains, God is sending me a message of hope and inspiration.

It is only when I lost everything that I started to gain the true meaning of life. I may be ordinary, I may not have a superhero in me but still I belong to God and for that, I am meant to do great things for His glory.

God bless us all and for more IOW participants head over to Laurel Wreath and be inspired.

I can’t remember how many times I have rant that to God, especially when things are not going the way I want them to be. I simply cannot figure Him out no matter how hard I try.

Exactly two years ago, I was admitted to the hospital for my second chemo therapy and everything went well the first time that’s why I didn’t worry that much. I was actually getting used to the pain from the needle shots and I comforted myself by the thought that it will be over soon. But that night, I don’t exactly know what happened but I fell into coma and almost died. I remember I was half conscious but everything was blurred, I can hear voices, screaming and crying. The medical staff was in chaos and the next thing I knew I’m at the ICU of the hospital, the nurses told me that I was unconscious for almost 18hours and its a miracle that I am awake. I called for my mom but they say I can’t see her until the allowed visiting time, I was terrified there were tubes connected to my body and there was an oxygen tube in my nostrils… I can’t move and I want to know what’s going on. Why am I here? My heart monitor kept on making an alarming sound, they said that my heart is so weak and my pulse is falling. But I feel fine and I wanna go home. I didn’t understand then what was happening, they just wouldn’t tell me anything and not knowing kills me more. I’m the kind of person who hates surprises, I want to know everything and I want everything to be according to my plan. And lying there helplessly at the ICU bed was not part of my plan and I found myself asking God, trying to spill out what He wants from me.

It has been two years but the memory of that event in my life is something that I can never forget. God taught me a lot of things while I was there. He opened up Himself to me in such a way that my little understanding of Him made everything worth while. He used my brokenness to make me whole and made my darkest hour, the greatest testimony in my life.

We can never fathom the depth of God’s ways and there is no way we can ever grasp His thoughts, He is after all the Supreme Being but even though we may never really understand what God has in store for us, we can always trust that everything He does is for our own good. His ways are not our ways and we just need to have faith that His plans for our lives are much better than what we have for ourselves.

For more IOW participants, visit “Joy in the Morning”

“They gave our Master a crown of thorns.
Why do we hope for a crown of roses?”

~ Martin Luther ~

When I first read this quote it really struck me, big time! I guess in a way I needed this quote especially today when I’m currently experiencing a down time.

I lead a very small life, yet generally life has been very good to me… I once was called “the girl who has everything” and “someone who has a bright future ahead.” Almost everything in my life is perfect but when things are too good to be true they’re probably are. I used to think that life is like a bed of roses, pretty naive you might say but when you’re living your dream, when everything is just within your grasp and absolutely nothing is going wrong then life indeed is a garden of roses.

Just when I think it could stay that way *boom* I woke up and realize that the dream is over, I am now facing the reality of losing everything I hold dear. I don’t exactly remember how the dream ended it was probably when my younger sister died or when my mother found out my father’s illicit affair with our housemaid, whom by the way I treated like an older sister and my mom even sent her to school and gave her almost everything that I have it was like having a snake living under your roof and all along she was “the other woman” or maybe it was when our business fell apart and I’m no longer the rich girl I used to be, or maybe when I had my heart broken by love so many times that I’ve become cynical about it, or maybe when I woke up and I’m suddenly half paralyzed and the doctor said I got Lupus and I’m gonna have it for the rest of my life… Yeah, you might as well hit me with a paddle and I won’t feel a thing anymore because those reality made me so numb about everything else.

There goes my bed of roses..

I never realize the thorns that comes with it and goodness my life truly sucks!

But there is one moment in my darkest hour that God spoke to me. It was one dark night, there was a deafening silence and unconsciously I found myself staring at the cross just in front of my ICU bed, and I remember what Jesus went through at the cross and suddenly my sufferings seems so lame compared to what He had to went through for our sake and I’m ranting because my life sucks, I felt so ashamed.

As the quote said “Our Master was given a crown of thorns and we always hope for a crown of roses…” what an irony! Every time I’m faced with difficulties, I try to remember that I should be glad that I’m taking part of Jesus sufferings at the cross and even though my life is far from having a garden of roses, the thorns that came my way brought me to my knees and made me strong. I’m no longer hoping for a perfect life, it doesn’t exist anyway just enough strength to go on each day knowing that I can at least be the person that God wants me to be.

God bless you everyone!

This week Loni of Joy in the Morning chose a beautiful quote from Kay Arthur’s
Lord, I Want to Know (in reference to Exodus 17:15 “The Lord is my banner”)

“Under the banner of God, victory is always assured;
but apart from it, defeat is a certainty.
When the banner of God’s rod was not held high,
Amalek prevailed.
You can’t do battle against the flesh under your own power.”

If you could see me now, you will never thought that I am suffering from Lupus, you will find it hard to believe that I successfully went through two sessions of chemo therapy for the past two years, you will probably think I’m joking when I tell you that almost two years ago, everybody thought I was dying, I was barely breathing when they rushed me in the Intensive Care Unit and maybe you’ll think that I’m probably too fat well, do I have to tell you that I’ve been under high dose of steroid medication for the past six years… Hmmn, should I go on? Well, do I need to mention that my life was turned upside down since I was diagnosed with this illness?

Now, do I have a enough reason to be angry with God? Nah!
The truth is, I did!
I used to be so angry with God.

But indeed, God has a mysterious way of extending His arms for us. I remembered one night, when I was lying helplessly on my hospital bed at the ICU and I couldn’t move because of the wires and tubes connected in my body, it was so quiet.. the only sound that I could hear was my heart beating slowly in the monitor and at that moment God spoke to me. He was calling me back and I knew all along that no matter how angry I was with God, I am helpless without Him and I need Him in my life, and there is no way that I can overcome this illness on my own. Those nights in the ICU was the darkest hours in my life but God made that darkest hour, the greatest testimony of my life.

I’m still a work in progress and everyday is still a struggle but I’m still smiling because I know that I have a big God that I can always depend on and who never ceases to love me.

Often times my friends asked how can I still be smiling, how can I look so strong and brave in facing all these difficulties… my answer is simple “there is always victory in God” and in reality I am not that strong and I’m not always brave, but my strength comes in knowing that the battle is not mine but the Lord’s and in Him we always conquer. As long as you have faith and let Him be in control in your life, defeat is never gonna happen, you just need to be strong, stay firm and always, always keep the faith.

God bless us all!

“Blessed Be Your name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name…”
~ Matt Redman ~
Lyrics from “Blessed be Your Name”

When I first became a Christian, I was on fire! I became very active in the youth ministry and I used my gifts to serve the Lord, my light was shining so brightly that you will never thought it will ever dim, but it did. I can’t remember exactly when I started to backslide, I was probably so young and foolish then. And maybe, I was rebelling at God for the break-up of my parent’s marriage or perhaps I didn’t really know what it really means to be a Christian at that time.

During those years that I turned myself away from God, I stopped going to church, I kept my Bible hidden and I even stopped praying. And I was doing fine. I’ve got everything that I needed and my life turned out to be just the way I want it to be. And I often tell myself, I can do this on my own and I don’t need God.

But God’s love is indeed mysterious, I don’t know why He was so persistent to re-enter my life again even though I have rejected Him for so many times. God knew I needed to be saved from myself. I do believe that sometimes we need to be slapped by God in order for us to see the light again and God didn’t just slapped me, He kicked me so hard that the only thing I can do was to run to Him.

I was in my desert place… I was so exhausted from walking and walking without knowing where I should go, I was lost and scared. This is how I describe the event in my life where I was first struck by a mysterious disease. I was in a middle of nowhere and uncertainties clouded my life. I was broken into bits of pieces and this is where God came in and extended His hands on me, He picked me up and used my brokenness to call me into His arms.

My light may not be shining as brightly as it used to be, I am not even on fire just yet in serving the Lord but what matters most is now I truly understand what means to be a Christian and the value of having God in my life. Even though many times I feel unworthy of His grace, I am blessed because He chose not to give up on me and for that I will forever praise and bless His name.

This is not my first IOW, I used to post in my other blog Pieces of Me but I decided to have it here from now on. Head on to Sting My Heart for more of IOW.

God bless you all!