Sometimes I wish I could fast forward time, to the day I can honestly say that I had forgotten you. I know that moving on is a process and just like any other wound it takes time to heal, and yes sometimes it leaves a deep scar that serves as a small reminder of the pain.

There are days that I seem fine, those are the days that I keep myself busy with work and with other things so that I won’t have the time to think about you. But at the end of the day, when I’m all alone and the stillness of the night thoughts of you continue to linger.

Only time will determine when and how long I am going to move on. I know that the pain and your memories will not go away that easily as I want them to be, but eventually one day I am quite sure that I am gonna wake up and realize that somewhere along the way, that piercing feeling that I’ve always felt inside my heart will fade away. Life goes on, and sometimes we get so caught up and too busy living our lives that we no longer notice that we had indeed moved on.

Just like the branches that’s been swamped in the shore after the storm.. everything will just be fine, in time…

It’s a sad event for my family. My grandmother’s sister died after months of battling in the hospital. I cannot help but cry watching my grandmother grieve for her sister.. sabi pa ni lola siya na lang daw mag-isa. I know death is something that is inevitable and it will happen to all of us but still no one can prepare for the sadness it brings. I will surely miss Lola Ayit, she has been very nice to me and to all of us, and I will always have fond childhood memories with her. For so long they have been looking for the best arthritis treatments for her but all the complications and her old age just took out the best of her.

This roses are for you, I know you always loved flowers and may your soul rest in peace. I love you, Lola Ayit!

Everything ran like clockwork…

I felt in complete control of my life and it may sound too good to be true but I am living my dream. Everything was perfect just the way I planned them to be.

It was the year 2001, I’m a fresh graduate, had my dream job in an international company that pays really well,  my long-time boyfriend and I were planning to tie the knot.. what can I ask for more?? I had everything I ever wanted, I just couldn’t ask for more. But from the moment the pain in my lower body struck and I found myself almost paralyzed, my world began to fall apart.. Everyone thought it was just a fever and it will go away soon enough.. yeah right! Two weeks in the hospital and still the doctors cannot say what was wrong with me and I’m not getting any better, in fact I’m getting worse each day. And while I’m lying in the hospital bed, I felt helpless and I cried to God “what’s happening?” I knew something was really really wrong but I had no idea that from that moment on, my life will forever be changed. Suddenly my perfect world is not so perfect anymore, it all came crumbling down. I had to adopt to a new lifestyle, my life was suddenly turned upside down and my dreams were all shattered. I was crushed and broken into tiny bits of pieces until there was almost nothing left for me.

Lupus had changed my life, in every way possible and I still question God from time to time “Why me? What have I done so wrong to deserve this?” I did not ask for a perfect life.. and why would He give something only to get it back.. I was deeply hurt and there came a time that I was disappointed with God, blaming Him for all the pain I have to endure with this illness. But I soon realized there was no one to blame, everything that’s been happening has a reason and I have no right to be angry with God.

Slowly, I am accepting that this is probably my fate and I have to believe that somehow something good will come out of this. Everyday is a struggle but I take them now as a blessing, I have so much to be thankful for and sometimes we take for granted the simple things in life not realizing that it is essential as the air we breathe. Sometimes when we are faced in a difficult situation we tend to freak out but let us rely on God’s comforting words…

“Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10

I know the clock is ticking and sometimes I feel I am being left out. But who says I’m running?? I am standing still, waiting… waiting!!!

I was out with some friends last night.. after days of hibernating and solitude I finally feel fine. I was hoping to have a great time with my friends and I did, but there is one unexpected news that suddenly broke my heart… I am not sure of what to feel knowing that the one I am secretly in love with for so long already has someone.. I have no right whatsoever to be jealous, I have someone with me too and I shouldn’t be feeling this way but I just can’t help it.. I am sad knowing that now, we can never be, it never was anyway but I sincerely thought that he was the one and unconsciously I am preparing for the day we can finally be together and now, that dream was shattered. This is a crazy feeling, I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way but I am so sad and it feels like my heart had suffered the greatest heartache ever…

Taken a few days ago.. before everything went crazy in my life again…

“The only way of catching a train I have ever discovered is to miss the train before..”

A few days ago, I am raving about my life. I somehow became at peace with myself and although most of the times I get so caught up on life’s inevitable rush I just knew that I tend to chase with time…

Everything is just so fast-paced and I am trying to cope up. It is impossible for us to even stand still and have a moment to ourselves. It feels like I’ve been running and racing against time not really knowing what’s in store for ahead.

I like the speed, I hate waiting and I don’t like wasting time. I used to think that I’ve got everything under control and I can manipulate time until the moment I was diagnosed with Lupus and now, maybe something more.. Everything I believed in came crashing down. Suddenly, I have no control of what’s gonna happen and my life was once again put on hold.

Sometimes I feel like life is running me over and I just can’t keep up with the speed anymore. But lately I realize that I don’t need to catch up with the train because no matter what I do I just can’t. It’s like watching a sunset over the railroads and seeing your life on a whole new light. Life is not about how fast you keep moving for we are not in control of our journey, sometimes you just need to sit back, relax a bit and let God direct you. You just need to have more faith.

I simply love the weather the past few days. The cold breeze makes me feel so calm and peaceful. This morning I watched the sunrise and went for a walk around my neighborhood. I just love the morning chill. It’s so quiet and peaceful, and I really had a wonderful time for myself.

I felt like a child again as I play at the swing at the mini park in my subdivision and I tried not to think about anything. I should be feeling sad and miserable, for I have once again failed in love but oddly enough I didn’t find any sorrow in my heart. I am not lonely, I may suffer for a broken heart now and I may be missing him a bit but slowly I am getting used to the fact that he is no longer in my life and I think I am slowly getting over him. I know that everything in our lives has a reason and I may not fully understand why he was brought into my life but I want to think that maybe somehow he made me realize I can still fall in love the way I used to.. and this may not be the love I was hoping for but I am hopeful that the next one will be different, more meaningful and someone I truly deserve.

The walk back home made me realize how I love my life. It maybe complicated at times but generally I live a simple happy and contented life. I know that I am loved by the people I value the most. My family may seem crazy at times but our love for each other knows no boundaries. I am so blessed to have an amazing group of friends that I’ve treasured for years now, you mean so much to me and I thank you for always standing by me no matter what..

I am starting a new chapter in my life soon and I am so excited to find out what’s in store for me, and I’m not letting Lupus get in the way.

Good night everyone! Happy Weekend..

Meet the man in my life… well, not really a man yet but my beloved baby. I just adore my little nephew and every body said that he looks a lot like me when I was his age. I can’t believe he’s now two, I still remember the time when my cousin gave birth to him and when I was still printing his baptism invitations. How time really flies and now, I cannot keep up with him when he starts to run. Soon he’ll be off to school and my little boy will be a boy no more.

My heart is in a jam… can’t take you off my mind.

I’ve been suffering from severe headaches for days now and my rheumatologist ordered me to undergo a CT scan in my brain so they can check if my lupus is flaring up in my brain. It’s going to be another restless days of waiting for a result. Lupus just can’t leave me alone. I am trying to live as normal as I can be with precautions of course, I don’t want to be a burden to those who love me anymore.

My mind is wandering off somewhere and my heart is lost… when you say you love me, do you really mean it or I’m just imagining things?

It’s a few minutes after midnight, and I’ve been tossing and turning… No, this couldn’t be another sleepless night. I have an early work tomorrow and I really should be sleeping now but thoughts of you continue to linger in my mind.

I was out on a movie date a while ago and it was fun.. It’s been awhile since I went out on a date and nothing has changed I still hate dating. Why? I don’t know maybe I’m just exhausted to pretend that I’m happy.. that I’m alright.. when deep inside I’m just not. I tried to focus on my work, surround myself with friends but no matter what I do I just keep on missing person. Yesterday, I deleted the folder containing all the pictures he sent, deleted the chat archives and his text messages on my phone, I even removed his number in my phonebook, how I wish I could also just delete him in my memory. Now, more and more I strongly feel that life should have a ctr-alt-del option, that you can simply press when you want everything to restart. Is it alright to miss him? I’ve been stopping myself to text him, to email him, this is what he wanted anyway.

I hope that I can fast forward time and find myself really over him. I should be over him soon! I should open my heart again to someone who truly deserves it, someone who has always been there and to someone who has been loving me for so long. Do you sometimes wish you could teach your heart whom to love? Time, please be my friend… Let me stop longing for him, let me stop missing him, let me stop loving him, just let me be…