
Everything ran like clockwork…
I felt in complete control of my life and it may sound too good to be true but I am living my dream. Everything was perfect just the way I planned them to be.
It was the year 2001, I’m a fresh graduate, had my dream job in an international company that pays really well, my long-time boyfriend and I were planning to tie the knot.. what can I ask for more?? I had everything I ever wanted, I just couldn’t ask for more. But from the moment the pain in my lower body struck and I found myself almost paralyzed, my world began to fall apart.. Everyone thought it was just a fever and it will go away soon enough.. yeah right! Two weeks in the hospital and still the doctors cannot say what was wrong with me and I’m not getting any better, in fact I’m getting worse each day. And while I’m lying in the hospital bed, I felt helpless and I cried to God “what’s happening?” I knew something was really really wrong but I had no idea that from that moment on, my life will forever be changed. Suddenly my perfect world is not so perfect anymore, it all came crumbling down. I had to adopt to a new lifestyle, my life was suddenly turned upside down and my dreams were all shattered. I was crushed and broken into tiny bits of pieces until there was almost nothing left for me.
Lupus had changed my life, in every way possible and I still question God from time to time “Why me? What have I done so wrong to deserve this?” I did not ask for a perfect life.. and why would He give something only to get it back.. I was deeply hurt and there came a time that I was disappointed with God, blaming Him for all the pain I have to endure with this illness. But I soon realized there was no one to blame, everything that’s been happening has a reason and I have no right to be angry with God.
Slowly, I am accepting that this is probably my fate and I have to believe that somehow something good will come out of this. Everyday is a struggle but I take them now as a blessing, I have so much to be thankful for and sometimes we take for granted the simple things in life not realizing that it is essential as the air we breathe. Sometimes when we are faced in a difficult situation we tend to freak out but let us rely on God’s comforting words…
“Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10
I know the clock is ticking and sometimes I feel I am being left out. But who says I’m running?? I am standing still, waiting… waiting!!!