Days like these don’t happen all the time,
I’m usually quite jolly and really fine.
I enjoy the days where it doesn’t hurt to walk
When I’m in a good mood, and okay to talk.

But days like these, come very few.
When I hate being me and I wish to start anew.
Where I don’t have to worry about what’s going on
And feeling this ache doesn’t mean something’s wrong.

Today I am lonely that I have Lupus,
And I pray that no one had to go through this.
That a cure will be possible in a pill.
Instead of heading to more doctors for more crazy bills.

I know I shouldn’t worry about it at all.
But it’s hard when symptoms start staking ten feet tall.
When my hands swell to where I can’t even write.
Or when my legs hurt so much, I can’t sleep through the night.

When it hurts to see the sun shining down on me.
Or to walk a few steps and sit under a tree.
To simply open a can of soda to get a simple drink.
Or when it hurts so badly, I can’t even think.

I know everyday is not always going to be like this.
I just wish the bad days, would be the ones I would miss.
When I just feel like sleeping and doing nothing more.
And shutting everyone out, and locking the door.

But the sun goes down and the moon shines bright.
While God helps me through another restless night.
And even though these days may come and come again.
I know He will be with me, always holding me hand.

It’s been eight difficult years with Lupus and I used to say that I am waiting for a miracle, it is only on my recent birthday celebration that I finally realize that everyday of my life is already a miracle in itself. I know that I am blessed and it is by the grace of God that I am once again starting to recover from my longest flare ever… when almost everyone thought it was the end of the line for me, that finally lupus had won… lupus may have crippled and ruined my life, my dreams and probably my future but it didn’t destroy my spirit. I know in my heart that no matter how painful my struggles are, God is way much stronger than anything else and with Him, I know I can do anything…

“You must have gone through so much”

This is the line that really touched me while watching a PowerPoint presentation a few Sundays back in church. This is the line that Jesus said to the child whom He said to watch over His cross while waiting for His return. After all the struggles and hardships, the child clings closely to the cross. With all the temptations surrounding Him, he remain hugging the cross. I can see myself in that child.. and it must have felt wonderful when Jesus finally came back and hug the child and told him “You must have gone through so much” and then he hold the child’s hand and walk away together.

I am patiently waiting for You, Jesus and just like that child no matter how painful and struggling the waiting time can be… I will still be here because there is no greater joy than to be with you…

Just like the butterfly, I too will awaken in my own time. ~Deborah Chaskin

My life once again is put on temporary on hold, just when I thought things are getting better that I’m finally reaching the end of my dark tunnel and finally finding the light… boom, it happens again! Lupus strikes back and this time it did not only crippled my body but it also crippled me emotionally. I’ve always been a strong person with great faith, I always try to see the bright side of everything and I always tell myself that God will never give me something I cannot handle and I thought I am that strong, that since I’ve been through a lot there’s absolutely nothing that can break me anymore, I was wrong.

I just came to the point when doubts clouded my mind, what if I’ll never get well, what if I’ll spend the rest of my life in pain and my family totally broke because of me, what if God is not listening to me and what if I’ll never see sunrise again… the reality of death became real to me again and fear starts to sets in and I remember those sleepless nights at the hospital, those empty hours that I lay awake waiting for the break of dawn so that I could somehow feel I have yet to live another day.

There’s a certain fear in my heart that I know will not go away until such time, I can be assured that things will get better and just like a butterfly, I shall awaken in my own sweet time…

It’s been awhile, I miss blogging so much! I’ve been confined again in the hospital for the past two weeks and I underwent an operation. Apperently abcess was formed in my right upper thigh and it was swelling too much that they have to remove it through operation. The last two weeks was too difficult for me, I had to undergo a 2D-echo exam, ECG, X-ray, ultra sound, duplex scan, biopsy, MRI, and a major operation which I had general anesthesia… not to mention the everyday blood extraction. It was so painful and I lost several pounds, I guess I wont be needing the best diet pill just to lose weight. Right now, I am already home but my operation still hurts and I still feel weak. Hopefully, I’ll feel better soon.

Everyday I feel like a grain of sand in an hour glass…

I used to be I in complete control of my life and it may sound too good to be true but I am living my dream. Everything was perfect just the way I planned to them to be. It was the year 2001, I’m a fresh graduate, had my dream job in an international company that pays really well, my boyfriend and I are planning to tie the knot.. what can I ask for more?? I had everything I ever wanted but from the moment the pain in my lower body struck and I found myself almost paralyzed, my world began to fall apart..

Everyone thought it was just a fever and it will go away soon enough.. yeah right! Two weeks in the hospital and still the doctors cannot say what was wrong with me and I’m not getting any better, in fact I’m getting worse each day. And while I’m lying in the hospital bed, I felt helpless and I cried to God “what’s happening?” I knew something was really really wrong but I had no idea that from that moment on, my life will forever be changed. Suddenly my perfect world is not so perfect anymore and I had to adopt to a new lifestyle, my life was turned upside down and my dreams shattered. I was crushed and broken into tiny bits until there was almost nothing left for me.

Lupus had changed my life, in every way possible and I still question God from time to time “Why me? What have I done so wrong to deserve this?” I did not ask for a perfect life.. and why would He give something only to get it back.. I was deeply hurt and from a time I was angry at God, blaming Him for all the pain I have to endure with this illness. But I soon realized there was no one to blame, everything that’s been happening has a reason and I have no right to be angry with God. Slowly, I am accepting that this is probably my fate and I have to believe that somehow something good will come out of this. Everyday is a struggle but I take them now as a blessing, I have so much to be thankful for and sometimes we take for granted the simple things in life not realizing that it is essential as the air we breathe. Sometimes when we are faced in a difficult situation we tend to freak out but let us rely on God’s comforting words…

“Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10

“Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last.

The past is over and gone.

The future is not guaranteed.”

It is only by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure. The very cave you are afraid to enter turns out to be the source of what you are looking for.

~Joseph Campbell

Oftentimes, I find myself at the crossroads, always sure of where to go but uncertain to which road I am going to take. I never regret the paths that I choose to lead for I know that somehow I was meant to be there, even though many times I had to endure the consequences of the mistakes I made. I know I had to be strong, even when things go wrong because I was meant to learn something for every happening in my life.

There were also times that I find myself at the darkest part of my life, the times that I thought I would never recover and yes, there were a lot of times that I almost gave up but while watching Dark Knight, I remembered these lines “the darkest hour is just before dawn and believe me, the dawn is drawing near” (or something like that) I would like to believe that I don’t need the dawn to see the light for I may be at the abyss of my life right now but the abyss is where you can find one of the ocean’s finest treasure and though, I have not found my treasure yet but the thought of what lies ahead is more than enough for me to go on.

Recovered post from July 27, 2008

When Lupus happened to me almost eight years ago, my life was forever changed.

It was just one morning when I woke up with an overwhelming pain in my whole body and I can’t barely move. I freaked out, I thought I was being paralyzed. I remembered screaming, calling for my mom because I can’t feel my legs. That was the start of an endless battle with an unknown sickness. I spent almost a whole month in the hospital, not knowing what was really happening and the doctors still unable to diagnose my condition. I spent the next six months in a wheel chair, the hospital is the only place I go to, I underwent a series of laboratory tests, medical exams, operations, medications, etc etc…

Actually I don’t wanna look back but its difficult not to especially when the illness is still very much with me. I don’t know how I survived going through all that, I can’t remember where I got the strength to go on and I don’t know how I managed to get by each day, knowing that everything in my life is changing and my life is temporarily on hold.

I cannot say that I’m much better now, in fact I’m having the longest Lupus flare I ever had and I have been sick for awhile now but somehow I already got used with the fact that Lupus is a part of me and they say that I’m gonna have it for the rest of my life well, I’m not really expecting a miracle just enough grace to help me live with lupus with grace.