WARNING: The content of this entry contains a lot of ranting and sad emotions, it’s your discretion to continue reading…
For the past few months I have been suffering a lot because of my illness. It started last June of 2008 when I was stricken with Herpes Zoster in my right forehead which extended in my right eye that almost lead me to blindness. The headache back then was intolerable, I had to have my pain reliever with me every time and what’s annoying besides the awful look on my face was the four kinds of eye drop that I have to put in my eyes…
This is how I look like after some blisters are starting to dried out, it was so awful and painful, and it took so long before the blisters left my face I had to put a lot of face concealers just to look presentable.
After the Herpes Zoster I was able to live normally again, it was in August when I went to Singapore and for once I was able to enjoy myself together with my college friends…
After that wondrous trip, I went back to work and do all the things that I wanted to do.. September was fine but when October came I had to be hospitalized again because of my kidneys…
October is my favorite month because of my birthday but during this month I wasn’t able to walk and I have to wear a mask everywhere I go. My mom also got me a personal nanny that I found annoying because it made me feel helpless.
Months passed by and everything was starting to be normal again, I was able to do the things I love and I was happy. I feel normal once more despite having a nanny (which is not bad after all) I was enjoying myself and I’ve been going out with friends on my own again, traveling to Manila on my own and going to work in Makati on my own. It was a nice feeling although I have to wear a mask everytime, it doesn’t matter I just want to be out in the house.
March came and I was in high spirits, it was the last week of our Bible class in three public schools so I was busy preparing for farewell parties. I was also busy attending our church gatherings and I am also preparing for my mom’s secret surprise party… which turned out to be a blast and my mom was so overwhelmed and happy. But it was the night when I insisted on going with my church buddies to go to MV Doulos the ship bookstore, I always love to go there and I will never miss it for the world…
MV DOULOS the largest, oldest floating bookstore in the world
It was after climbing the upper deck that I felt the pain in my right thigh but I dismissed it right away because I want to pretend I am fine because I know my church friends are starting to worry because it’s getting late and the butterfly markings in my face are starting to appear but I told them I am fine. The next day I got a high fever, I was chilling and I had a terrible nausea and I couldn’t eat anything… Before I know it I was already being confined in the hospital…
April came and I’ve been sick the whole time but at least I was able to stand and walk, I can also go wherever I want as long as I have my nanny with me but the endless medicines are killing me…
It was May 16, when my nephrologist decided it was time for me to be admitted again, because my right thigh is swelling like a 5 gallon water tank and it’s so heavy I cannot walk anymore. It was also so in flame because it was so red and hot. It was also so painful that by merely touching it will bring me to tears. I underwent xray, ultra sound, duplex scan but to no avail… my doctors still couldn’t find what’s with my right thigh. After that I underwent Biopsy which had pure pus cells alone and the MRI confirmed that I have no tumor, it was only pus cells that’s inside my right thigh and they decided to operate right away. But I have a low hemoglabin and I needed 4 bags of blood, my mom texted everybody she knows because we needed 8 people to donate blood. It seems impossible at first to find people to donate but in just hours our church pastors came, some of our friends too and the people that came to donate was way beyond our expection. That night two bags of blood was transfused and I was scheduled for an operation the next day…
Honestly, I was scared it was my first time to undergo a general anesthesia and I’m not quite sure of what to expect.
The next day, it was around 10:30 when I was fetched in my room and the operating people prepared me for the operation, I could see my mom worried eyes and I feel like crying. The operation was scheduled at 1pm, I’m not sure what happened in between those hours but the next thing I knew it was already 3pm and I was being brought to the recovery room.. It was like I’m in a twilight, I know what happened but I’m not sure, I wanted to speak but there are no words, I told myself do I have amnesia…nope I still know everything I should know but why do I feel like I’m floating… I closed my eyes and fell asleep, it was already 4pm and I finally asked the nurse when can I go back in my room, he said in a little while and I asked him if I can drink water but he said I’m not yet allowed to drink water… so I closed my eyes again anthis time I prayed…
I was released two weeks after and it was a terrible experience. Right now I’m in wheelchair absolutely helpless and I couldn’t even sit on my own let alone stand and walk. I am such a burden to everyone and I just hate every moment that I have to lay down wait for someone to lift me up and carry me to the wheelchair. I even need my mom to dress me up, to bathe me and everything else. I’m losing hair too, not only my weight is starting to drop within normal and my hemoglabin is too low that I have to be injected thrice a week. I also take 10 different medicines in the morning, 5 at lunch time and 10 at bedtime. Being confined in this wheelchair until my operation heals is way too much for me. I feel helpless and I want to tell myself not to lose hope that somehow there will some better days but during my time of pain I just find it hard to believe. There are thoughts in my head that what if I’ll never get better that I’ll be stuck in this wheelchair forever or what if I’ll be such a burden with everyone that they would turn their backs on me eventually. I’m not sure of what the future holds but it’s a bit gloomy for now…
June 8th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Hi sis Em,
i am not really sure what to say! I feel your pain. but i want to let you know that i admire your being courageous for facing all this pain you are going thru. i will pray for you, I know things will be better soon. this made me realized that everyone has his own trial that each of us have to bear. take care always sis
June 10th, 2009 at 2:06 am
ate ems, how are you na? remember me? So sorry for what happened, i didn’t know until i read this. just be strong and don’t lose hope. im just here if you need a friend, i’l pray for you and i hope you get well soon.♥♥♥
June 13th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Hi Emmyrose,
this is the first time I’m visiting this blog.
How are you doing ?
I’m sorry for what have happened to you.
I hope you can get well soon. =)
Don’t lose faith !
I got this illustration for you.
I extracted it from a book i read months ago.
Here goes:
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Once upon a time, there was a father with his 4 years old child.
The child was suffering from dengue fever,
so the father must bring the child to the doctor to check the child’s trombosite from time to time until the trombosite gets higher.
On the first day, when the child was sat down on the chair, and had his hand tied by a rubber belt, he started to cry. The cry was louder when the needle goes through his hand and suck some of his blood up.
The next day, it was harder for the child to go for it because ke knew what will happen to him. He didn’t even want to get off of the car. He was so persistent that the father must carry him up to the doctor, even though the child asked him to carry him home. The child didn’t want to go to the doctor. When the child was sat down again. He was trembling in fear and he started to think,”Why must my dad do this to me ? He’s never treated me cruelly before !”
Now let’s first think from the father’s perspective.
Did he know his child’s fear and suffering ? Yes, he did.
Can he ’save’ his child from the needles and just carry him home ? Yes he can.
Does he love his child ? Yes, he loves his child dearly.
Then, would he want to carry his child home ? No.
The children may think,
“Dad knows my suffering, doesn’t he ?
Dad can avoid me from this suffering, doesn’t he ?
Dad loves me, doesn’t he ?
Then there’s no reason for him to bring me here !”
Actually, the father was suffering too.
Imagine watching someone you love suffering, but not helping him/her, while you can, because of the reasons he/she doesn’t understand. And the reason is for his/her sake.
So they both are suffering, but of different problems.
It is best if the child could think like this,”My dad knows my suffering, and he is ABLE to avoid me from it. So if he didn’t, then he must have his own plan for me. I’ll just trust in him.”
============================
It’s not much, but I hope the illustration could cheer you up a little. =)
Get well soon emmy ! God bless you. =)
June 16th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
ems,
andami mong pinagdaanan. grabe. but i wish you well. ganyan talaga ang lupus but keep on fighting.
milet´s last blog ..Sunday Stealing: The Blue Rene Meme
June 17th, 2009 at 8:19 am
hi there, I hope you are getting better now. I really feel your pain while reading the post. Just have faith in God which i know I are, and all will be well in due time.
Rosemarie´s last blog ..Scattered Mind
June 22nd, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Hi sis Emmyrose,
I just re-posted your post at my Random Thoughts- International Blog and have made a prayer request for you from my readers and friends. God is good He will not let you suffer beyond what you can bear but will give sufficient grace for you to overcome all your trials. Nothing is impossible with God. We will all pray for your immediate healing and deliverance. We all love you our dear sister in Christ. We carry your burden in our hearts. We may be wasting away on the outside but on the inside we are being renewed day by day for the Lord. Thanks for the post. God bless you always.
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:01 pm
I will continously pray for yoy Emy, Keep holding on to your faith.
All Natural Cosmetics 4u, Celebrity Entertainment
June 23rd, 2009 at 4:02 am
I hope you get well soon, dear:)) It’s not your fault. Of course, you’re not a burden coz you’re unconditionally loved:)) may God grant you more wisdom & courage and He’ll completely heal you, both physically and spiritually.
June 25th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
Alv, what a beautiful illustration. it sure cheered me up.
hi Emmyrose, you have my deepest heartfelt sympathies for what you’re experiencing. i pray God’s continued healing and strength into your body and mind. even though it’s hard at times, i pray that you will stay focused on God’s Word for we walk by faith and not by sight. i know it looks and feels bad at the moment, but keep trusting God. you are such an encouragement and inspiration to many. i will keep you in my prayers. much love and peace to you and those around you.