Last Saturday I got my laboratory results and since I feel better I was expecting that somehow my condition improved. Well, I’m wrong. It appears that I am sicker than ever and my 24-hr urine test revealed that I barely have fifty percent functioning of my kidneys, I guess my lupus nephritis had emerged once again. My rheumatologist prescribed new medicines and I have to deal with one of my greatest fears again, to take a higher dose of steroids once again. I feel bad because I worked hard to really lose weight and now that I’m back with a higher dose of steroids I’ll be gaining all those weight again and not to mention it can cause swelling of my feet that can lead me back to not being able to walk again.
Well, I guess I need to say goodbye to the good days. I feel like I’m back at square one and no matter how hard I try or how earnestly I pray I keep on getting sicker and sicker. It’s breaking my spirit and sometimes I just want to fall apart. I am trying so hard to stay calm and optimistic. I’ve been telling myself that I’ve been through worse so what the heck am I scared about. I tried to be strong but when I’m alone I can’t help but feel miserable, I am worried what if I don’t get better, what if no matter what medication I try my kidneys still manage to fail and I have to undergo dialysis, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to handle anymore bad news.
This journey with lupus is just a terrifying walk. I sometimes wish I’m just riding in a bus where I could just yell at the driver STOP, I JUST WANT TO GET OUT! I wish it could be that simple.
August 19th, 2008 at 1:11 am
just keep on praying! believe in miracle yes its easier to say. I can relate to that.what a good thing is not a health condition to mine but other way of failure in life. and i still keep on praying and believing that one day it would all ease the pain.and i received miracle.. try to seek any religious group..that would help to condition your spirit..
i’ll keep you on my prayers!:)
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August 19th, 2008 at 10:15 am
You are anticipating your symptoms my dear friend and you are actually accepting the verdict of the doctors. Try to turn over your sickness to the Lord. You will never get healed so long as you put your trust not in the Lord but in your doctors. Remember, we live by faith not by sight. I have my illnesses almost all of my life but I never worry about them. I just turned them over to the Lord. My brother was recently amputated in his right leg because of his recent diabetes. He is a Christian too. But I guess he trusted the doctors more than the Lord. Thanks for the post. God bless you always my sister. I am always praying for you, for Shiela, Pia, Shielalu and Chronic Chick and I know that one day He will deliver you all from all your sicknesses.
August 19th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Hi sorry to hear anout the steroids. Hope you feel better soon.
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August 19th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
hay ems, what can i say ? alam ko kahit anong sabihin ko the pain won’t just go away. mahirap pero kayanin mo. basta isipin mo lang malalampasan mo rin yan.
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August 20th, 2008 at 2:33 am
hi Ems, just read ur post, i dont know what to say.. i dont know how could my words make u feel better. dont lose hope Ems, always have faith in Him
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August 22nd, 2008 at 8:35 am
sis, im here praying ul be fine
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August 22nd, 2008 at 12:43 pm
I feel for you.. I’ve seen my mom also so depressed with her sickness..but all you need is pray to God. Don’t loose hope, God is Good.
Hope everything will be fine
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