I can’t remember how many times I have rant that to God, especially when things are not going the way I want them to be. I simply cannot figure Him out no matter how hard I try.
Exactly two years ago, I was admitted to the hospital for my second chemo therapy and everything went well the first time that’s why I didn’t worry that much. I was actually getting used to the pain from the needle shots and I comforted myself by the thought that it will be over soon. But that night, I don’t exactly know what happened but I fell into coma and almost died. I remember I was half conscious but everything was blurred, I can hear voices, screaming and crying. The medical staff was in chaos and the next thing I knew I’m at the ICU of the hospital, the nurses told me that I was unconscious for almost 18hours and its a miracle that I am awake. I called for my mom but they say I can’t see her until the allowed visiting time, I was terrified there were tubes connected to my body and there was an oxygen tube in my nostrils… I can’t move and I want to know what’s going on. Why am I here? My heart monitor kept on making an alarming sound, they said that my heart is so weak and my pulse is falling. But I feel fine and I wanna go home. I didn’t understand then what was happening, they just wouldn’t tell me anything and not knowing kills me more. I’m the kind of person who hates surprises, I want to know everything and I want everything to be according to my plan. And lying there helplessly at the ICU bed was not part of my plan and I found myself asking God, trying to spill out what He wants from me.
It has been two years but the memory of that event in my life is something that I can never forget. God taught me a lot of things while I was there. He opened up Himself to me in such a way that my little understanding of Him made everything worth while. He used my brokenness to make me whole and made my darkest hour, the greatest testimony in my life.
We can never fathom the depth of God’s ways and there is no way we can ever grasp His thoughts, He is after all the Supreme Being but even though we may never really understand what God has in store for us, we can always trust that everything He does is for our own good. His ways are not our ways and we just need to have faith that His plans for our lives are much better than what we have for ourselves.
For more IOW participants, visit “Joy in the Morning”
September 25th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
Bless you for sharing your story. We can never fathom the depths of His love–but isn’t it awesome to receive.
September 25th, 2007 at 5:31 pm
Beautiful thoughts on this weeks quote, bless you sweetie.
September 25th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
You have walked this not knowing and ‘clung’ to the faith you have in knowing that God is big and somehow, despite our understanding, in control…
thank you for sharing your life…
blessings and peace,
lori
September 25th, 2007 at 8:25 pm
hello ate ems. just got home from my NCLEX review. I was recalled today of the diseaes, managment and everything in between. Ou lecturer tackled today about SLE andnow only this morning when he talked about it that I rememberd the pathology of sle. this also brings me to the understanding of why your blog’s title is dancing with the butterflies. I was thinking of you the whole time in that specific topic and I somewhat emphatized on your struggles with this disease. I fully understand how it feels to have such. And I just want you to know that you are such an inspiration to all of us. You give us courage to face life even more no matter how difficult it is. I salute your courage and determination to spread the Goodnews that life has still more to offer especially when one is under the providence and care of the Almighty God.
I will always remember you on my private prayers.
God will always bless you ems, for everything we suffer here on earth has a final reward there in heaven.
Pax et Bonum
September 25th, 2007 at 9:30 pm
“We can never grasp His thoughts” Amen to your post. God bless you as you continue your walk and trust in him. You have a wonderful testimony.
September 26th, 2007 at 12:51 am
Thanks Miriam, Denise, Lori and ellen. Your constant visits and comments in my blog are truly a blessing. God delights in you
September 26th, 2007 at 12:58 am
bluepanjee,
thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. I am glad that slowly I am contributing to the awareness of Lupus. its always frustrating when someone thinks that i’m just making excuses because i don’t really look sick (well, i always try to conceal it anyway) but some people just couldn’t understand why i can’t do this or that anymore.. oh my i got carried away sorry. i have high respects for nurses, i’ll pray that you just wont pass it but to top it
i’m glad to have an online friend in you. God bless!
September 26th, 2007 at 4:01 am
What a blessing your words are! A true testimony of how God can use difficult circumstances for our good and His glory!
September 26th, 2007 at 9:27 am
Wow! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and personal story. I was truly touched. Thanks for stopping by to read my post today, too!
Blessings,
Elisa
September 26th, 2007 at 6:18 pm
You dont know how much your post have touched my heart. Bless you dear one for such an honest and sincere outpouring of God’s power through your life. Continue to be a blessing to every one
September 27th, 2007 at 8:07 pm
Beautiful insights:
“We can never fathom the depth of God’s ways and there is no way we can ever grasp His thoughts, He is after all the Supreme Being but even though we may never really understand what God has in store for us, we can always trust that everything He does is for our own good. His ways are not our ways and we just need to have faith that His plans for our lives are much better than what we have for ourselves.”
September 28th, 2007 at 2:53 am
Thanks so much for sharing…I am thankful with you to see how God can use our valleys for HIS glory!
Sorry I am reading this so late! Sick kids and a busy week! If you have a chance, please come back to my blog. I am giving away a really neat book!
Loni
September 28th, 2007 at 10:17 pm
Thank you so much for all your kind comments. I appreciate it a lot. God bless you all!