The butterfly had landed once again…

August 2, 2010 was my 9th year anniversary of being diagnosed with Lupus. I dreaded for this day, for it was a constant reminder that my life took a sudden drift nine years ago and the struggle of having this chronic illness haunts me day after day.

Everything was going well. I am starting to think that I am living a normal life once again. For almost a year, lupus was silent and I am only thankful, that I was able to do the things that I love to do. Yes, I tried to be careful, I tried not to disturb lupus, I tried, I hoped and I prayed.

August 2, 2010, just like any other Sunday morning in my household, everyone was busy getting ready for Sunday Morning Worship service. I woke up early and prepared my visual aids for my Sunday School Pre-School Class, I studied the powerpoint presentation for that morning worship service and starts to dress up. After breakfast, I was feeling a pain in my back shoulder and I started to feel weak and dizzy. I told my mother that I think I needed to rest and asked her to call someone to relieve me with my duties at church. She starts to worry and I tried to calm her down and told her that I just probably lack sleep and rest. So I went back to my room and fell asleep. I woke up early that afternoon with an upset stomach, I thought I was just having diarrhea and then fever starts and the last thing I remembered was collapsing in my bathroom floor, my brother carrying me and my mother shouting like crazy asking for help, neighbors came in and carried me downstairs and our pastor rushed me to the hospital. I woke up in the emergency room, hooked again with several tubes in my body, needles were everywhere and all I can do was cry….

Why again?? lupus when will you leave me alone!!!

I am so angry, I am scared but mostly I am just sad!

Sad that I will have to go through all the medical procedures again, the physical pain doesn’t matter much, I already learned to accept all the bitter pain that came along the needles, and everything else but knowing that my family will be again be burdened with me was a lot more disturbing that what I am feeling. I know that we will need a lot of money to support my medical expenses and quite frankly we are running out of options. Then the results of the lab came, 34 hemoglabin I might as well died that day (again), my blood pressure ranging from 50-60 and my heartbeat is on alarming stage. Doctors said I needed a blood transfusion right away and Efrex injection to stabilize my hemoglabin, and thank you for all the people that sustained me once again. The endless battle continues and I still try to stay optimistic and hopeful that God is always there for me. I need to be firm and put my trust on Him, otherwise I don’t think I will have the strength to go on.

But this recent attack of the lupus flare, got me thinking… made me realize the cruelty of my reality that lupus may forever be a part of me and no matter how careful I can be, it will find a way to harm me and it’s a reality of that uncertainty that makes me sad even more…

Yes, the butterfly had landed once again, and looks like it’s gonna stay at least hopefully not for long!

I know a lot of people who sees insurances as a disadvantage because you keep on paying for an anticipation of a disaster but to anyone who had experienced being in a car accident a simple scratch in your car can cost you a lot if you don’t have any car insurance, not too mention the hassle it will bring to you as well. That is why I encourage you to find a car insurance that can help you get protected in every way possible and if you are living anywhere near New Jersey, come visit New Jersey car insurance and find a plan that can best work for you and for your needs. Keep yourself protected at all times.

A lupus friend of mine said that I should get a disability card from our municipal hall so that I can present the disability card in PUVs or any public establishments that can give me a priority in lines, be seated on a standing public transport and maybe some discounts on medicines. But I’m not sure if I’ll be classified as a disabled person because having lupus means you have an invisible disease that you cannot simply stare at me and know instantly that I am sick, I have to tell you that I am sick and sometimes you will probably utter with disbelief because “I don’t look sick” I’m not sure if this is some kind of dilemma or probably a blessing because personally I don’t want people to take pity on me because I am miserably sick, I just wanted to be treated just like everyone else. But maybe if our country provides social security disability insurance I will probably avail of one because any financial assistance is a welcoming gesture but then again, the cruelty of living in the third world country, reality sucks!

Sometimes I wish I had a comprehensive health plan that can cover all my health expenses. Just like Blue Cross Blue Shield North Carolina where you can choose a health package suited for your needs and it will provide you an insurance that when sickness strikes you are very much protected with all the financial struggle. I wish our country had a program like that, yes we do have medical cards, insurances but it is just not enough especially if you have a chronic illness like me. It is such a struggle and rather painful too.

I miss having a day like this… where you can just sit on the grass under the sun, stare at the wonderful works of nature and be alone with my thoughts… I can’t remember the last time I had a day like that, but it could be nice and I think I can use a bit of thinking…

My life right now is like a roller coaster ride.. it’s exciting yet terrifying. You can have a bit of fun with the anticipation of fear. I used to plan everything, I live on schedules but with lupus I have to live with a lot of uncertainty. There are times that I feel like I’m missing out on life, that my dreams had been shattered and my life took a 360 degree turn when I was diagnosed with this illness, there’s just too many things that I would like to happen in my life and although a lot of times I try to stay optimistic about everything, there are still days that I wish I didn’t have lupus, maybe, just maybe I would have been a different person too, but thinking about it I like me right now and yes, there were times that I play the “what if” game in my head but in the end, I am happy being me and I just know that there’s a time for everything… God’s says so and I just need to just wait on Him! Have a great week everyone!

Today marks the first death anniversary of Michael Jackson. Imagine that a year already passed, time flies by so fast and I still remember the day that the news of his death was all over the TV, radio and the internet. Everybody was shocked and suddenly people had forgotten all the bad controversies he got himself into and everyone just remembered how he had changed the pop culture and his contribution to the world through his music is just beyond compare. I am not really a fan, I just love his songs and I grow up mostly dancing in his songs. It was only later that I appreciate the songwriter that he was, his songs were full of substance, of meaning and always trying to speak to the world.

I was lucky enough to see him perform during his concert in the Philippines way back 1996. I was a college student then and the experience was something I will never forget. My only regret was during that time cameras were not too handy and the memory of that night will only be in my mind. He was such an exceptional performer and such a great loss to the music scene. There were also some rumors that he too, suffered from Lupus. Too bad, he was “gone too soon…” This video is my most favorite song of Michael Jackson, the lyrics is just remarkable. You are missed, MJ!

We don’t really have a patio but I’ve always dreamed of having one. I used to daydream that every afternoon the man of my dreams and I will be sitting on patio chairs sipping coffee or tea and just talking about how our day went by… Yeah, yeah another fairy tale notion of mine about love and it’s just stupid… anyway, life goes on and no matter how screwed up our life can be we cannot make the world stop, can we? I don’t want to be all pessimistic, I probably just need some coffee.

My brother is a graphic artist and he badly needs a new laptop for his work. He needs a laptop with high memory and excellent video graphics. His work involves a lot of editing and graphic designs and his current laptop cannot function well anymore. But with his current pay, I don’t think he can afford it right now (well, he can’t afford almost anything at all) *peace* he was browsing at some of the featured laptops in best buy to at least have an idea on how much those laptops cost.

I’ve been sick again and not feeling well lately but I am more than thankful that I am doing alright now. I guess, lupus just wouldn’t let me be happy for so long that it had to remind me from time and time again that I have to deal with this chronic illness for quite sometime. I have a confession, since lupus is such an unpredictable illness I tend to overdo things when I am feeling okay… I tend to go wherever I want if I had the chance, I work overtime, I juggle with my time and multi-tasking everytime because I feel that lupus is just waiting there to struck me again with another flare. Sometimes I just want to take all the energy I have because who knows when lupus starts to flare up again. I need to slow things down and relax a bit and learn to trust God more that He knows my heart’s desire, and He will heal me in His own time.

What a greater way to relax is to have a view of the pond fountains it really looks nice, soothing and refreshing. Have a great weekend, everyone!