Just like the butterfly, I too will awaken in my own time. ~Deborah Chaskin

My life once again is put on temporary on hold, just when I thought things are getting better that I’m finally reaching the end of my dark tunnel and finally finding the light… boom, it happens again! Lupus strikes back and this time it did not only crippled my body but it also crippled me emotionally. I’ve always been a strong person with great faith, I always try to see the bright side of everything and I always tell myself that God will never give me something I cannot handle and I thought I am that strong, that since I’ve been through a lot there’s absolutely nothing that can break me anymore, I was wrong.

I just came to the point when doubts clouded my mind, what if I’ll never get well, what if I’ll spend the rest of my life in pain and my family totally broke because of me, what if God is not listening to me and what if I’ll never see sunrise again… the reality of death became real to me again and fear starts to sets in and I remember those sleepless nights at the hospital, those empty hours that I lay awake waiting for the break of dawn so that I could somehow feel I have yet to live another day.

There’s a certain fear in my heart that I know will not go away until such time, I can be assured that things will get better and just like a butterfly, I shall awaken in my own sweet time…

I got up early today because I simply cannot sleep… again! It’s been one of those sleepless nights again and today is my follow-up check up with my doctors again and I’m off to the hospital again. I prepared some insurance documents for my doctors to sign so that I can claim some money from my insurance company because of my hospitalization. It’s been financially draining and my family’s resources are starting to wear off and I feel such a burden and ashamed at the same time. I wish I could find some help, some financial assistance to help me continue with my medication. Being sick with lupus is not cheap especially if you’re in the Philippines, there is simply no one else to turn to. If only its as easy as finding a Rochester personal injury lawyer then maybe my claim for help won’t be that difficult. But I am still holding on and believing that God is my great provider and He will only give me something that He knows I can handle.

Last Wednesday, June 17 just when I thought everything is getting better and I am slowly regaining strength lupus strikes again… Tuesday night, I felt so cold and I had to turn off the air con, at midnight I was already having chills and had a high fever, it was dawn when I had a difficulty in breathing and I have to be rushed in the nearest hospital and so there it was my ten-day confinement due to post-operation residue. It was physically painful and emotionally draining, again my life is put on hold and quite honestly there was a time that I almost stopped fighting and almost gave up. But here I am still hanging on…

I’m recently addicted to Facebook’s Pet Society and it’s been taking most of my time and helping me to forget my dilemma somehow… But do you notice how June ended so quickly? Soon, Christmas will be just around the corner and exhibit booths will be all over once again. I like to go to trade show displays and find some quality logo floor mats and truss, I just hope that before the holidays I’ll be much better.

Days are passing me over and since I’ve been sick for most of the time I missed a lot of party invitations from my friends and even families. I know somehow I can manage to go but I don’t want to be a burden with everyone so I preferred not to. I’ll rather stay home than sit alone and watch them worry about me and preventing them to have a good time. I really hope that I can go back to my normal health condition and have my life back, at least of what’s left of it.

I am sick again. I know there’s nothing new about it and I just recently got out from a ten-day hospitalization. It’s been a tiring and annoying experience already and I am already getting sick of being sick and I just want some comfort. I guess my patience really took the worst of me this time because I really wanted to get well but I have no choice but to endure the pain all over again. To make the most of my time I took my micro sd and re-arrange my photos, I just had too many photos but too little time to arrange it but now, I have all the time in the world.

WARNING: The content of this entry contains a lot of ranting and sad emotions, it’s your discretion to continue reading…

For the past few months I have been suffering a lot because of my illness. It started last June of 2008 when I was stricken with Herpes Zoster in my right forehead which extended in my right eye that almost lead me to blindness. The headache back then was intolerable, I had to have my pain reliever with me every time and what’s annoying besides the awful look on my face was the four kinds of eye drop that I have to put in my eyes…

This is how I look like after some blisters are starting to dried out, it was so awful and painful, and it took so long before the blisters left my face I had to put a lot of face concealers just to look presentable.

After the Herpes Zoster I was able to live normally again, it was in August when I went to Singapore and for once I was able to enjoy myself together with my college friends…

After that wondrous trip, I went back to work and do all the things that I wanted to do.. September was fine but when October came I had to be hospitalized again because of my kidneys…

October is my favorite month because of  my birthday but during this month I wasn’t able to walk and I have to wear a mask everywhere I go. My mom also got me a personal nanny that I found annoying because it made me feel helpless.

Months passed by and everything was starting to be normal again, I was able to do the things I love and I was happy. I feel normal once more despite having a nanny (which is not bad after all) I was enjoying myself and I’ve been going out with friends on my own again, traveling to Manila on my own and going to work in Makati on my own. It was a nice feeling although I have to wear a mask everytime, it doesn’t matter I just want to be out in the house.

March came and I was in high spirits, it was the last week of our Bible class in three public schools so I was busy preparing for farewell parties. I was also busy attending our church gatherings and I am also preparing for my mom’s secret surprise party… which turned out to be a blast and my mom was so overwhelmed and happy. But it was the night when I insisted on going with my church buddies to go to MV Doulos the ship bookstore, I always love to go there and I will never miss it for the world…

MV DOULOS the largest, oldest floating bookstore in the world

It was after climbing the upper deck that I felt the pain in my right thigh but I dismissed it right away because I want to pretend I am fine because I know my church friends are starting to worry because it’s getting late and the butterfly markings in my face are starting to appear but I told them I am fine. The next day I got a high fever, I was chilling and I had a terrible nausea and I couldn’t eat anything… Before I know it I was already being confined in the hospital…

April came and I’ve been sick the whole time but at least I was able to stand and walk, I can also go wherever I want as long as I have my nanny with me but the endless medicines are killing me…

It was May 16, when my nephrologist decided it was time for me to be admitted again, because my right thigh is swelling like a 5 gallon water tank and it’s so heavy I cannot walk anymore. It was also so in flame because it was so red and hot. It was also so painful that by  merely touching it will bring me to tears. I underwent xray, ultra sound, duplex scan but to no avail… my doctors still couldn’t find what’s with my right thigh. After that I underwent Biopsy which had pure pus cells alone and the MRI confirmed that I have no tumor, it was only pus cells that’s inside my right thigh and they decided to operate right away. But I have a low hemoglabin and I needed 4 bags of blood, my mom texted everybody she knows because we needed 8 people to donate blood. It seems impossible at first to find people to donate but in just hours our church pastors came, some of our friends too and the people that came to donate was way beyond our expection. That night two bags of blood was transfused and I was scheduled for an operation the next day…

Honestly, I was scared it was my first time to undergo a general anesthesia and I’m not quite sure of what to expect.

The next day, it was around 10:30 when I was fetched in my room and the operating people prepared me for the operation, I could see my mom worried eyes and I feel like crying. The operation was scheduled at 1pm, I’m not sure what happened in between those hours but the next thing I knew it was already 3pm and I was being brought to the recovery room.. It was like I’m in a twilight, I know what happened but I’m not sure, I wanted to speak but there are no words, I told myself do I have amnesia…nope I still know everything I should know but why do I feel like I’m floating… I closed my eyes and fell asleep, it was already 4pm and I finally asked the nurse when can I go back in my room, he said in a little while and I asked him if I can drink water but he said I’m not yet allowed to drink water… so I closed my eyes again anthis time I prayed…

I was released two weeks after and it was a terrible experience. Right now I’m in wheelchair absolutely helpless and I couldn’t even sit on my own let alone stand and walk. I am such a burden to everyone and I just hate every moment that I have to lay down wait for someone to lift me up and carry me to the wheelchair. I even need my mom to dress me up, to bathe me and everything else. I’m losing hair too, not only my weight is starting to drop within normal and my hemoglabin is too low that I have to be injected thrice a week. I also take 10 different medicines in the morning, 5 at lunch time and 10 at bedtime. Being confined in this wheelchair until my operation heals is way too much for me. I feel helpless and I want to tell myself not to lose hope that somehow there will some better days but during my time of pain I just find it hard to believe. There are thoughts in my head that what if I’ll never get better that I’ll be stuck in this wheelchair forever or what if I’ll be such a burden with everyone that they would turn their backs on me eventually. I’m not sure of what the future holds but it’s a bit gloomy for now…